Camel Police

This is a long story from about 2 years ago, I think. I was not at all involved and I do not actually know the person who wrote it. I picked it up from an HPD (Houston police department) forum that I belong too and permission was given to share it. This story made astronauts giggle (one forum member's sister worked at NASA and sent it up to the guys on the space shuttle at the time).

It's still one of the funniest things I've ever read, especially knowing the type of officer this guy is :)

Camel Police - A True HPD Story

The following tale is 100% true. It occurred last night (06/29/05) in the presence of numerous credible and sober witnesses...

While in the police academy, instructors used to tell us that our profession was a front row ticket to the freakiest show on Earth. It has been proven time and time again, but last night...

Tuesday nights are pretty slow in our part of town, so we seek entertainment any way we can get it. A friend of mine was collecting ducks ("writing tickets") in the parking lot of Sharpstown Mall on the southwest side. I got a message on my computer from him telling me to get my tail over there ASAP, because there was some freaky stuff going on at the mall.

"WTF?" I sent. "Camels," he responded. Tail I did haul.

As promised, there were two bactrian (two-humped) camels grazing on Mexican Heather in a flower bed. In Houston. At a mall. At 1:30 am. Now bear in mind these weren't wild East Texas Camels that wandered into the city like a wayward moose in East Jesus, Montana. There was a traveling petting zoo in the parking lot, complete with zebra, horses, etc. All the critters were safely in their pens, except the camels, who had achieved liberation by unknown means.

A drunk handler who was supposed to be watching over the animals assured us the camels were in no danger of escaping, because of the flimsy, waist-high fence surrounding the "zoo." Problem was the fence surrounded the area, except for the knee-high landscaping bed that was currently being used as a camel salad bar. "Ees awright. Ees okay," the inebriated handler told us.

As borracho stumbled back to his chair for a siesta, Camel #1 hopped into the flower bed. Camel #2 -- not to be outdone -- lept as gracefully as a camel can leap over the flower bed and onto the sidewalk. Both camels were in grave danger of being hit by a drunk (see a pattern here?) driving his peekup truck to the taquería.

I actually had to say over the police radio, "18G21N, hold me out on loose camels in the street, 7500 Bellaire."

[giggle] "Ooooooooookay. [giggle] One hump or two?"

"Dromedary, if you really need to know." I'd forgotten which was which and took a 50/50 shot, apparently choosing the wrong 50.

By this point, the drunk handler rousted his even-drunker co-worker to catch the escapees. A friend of mine tried to grab one camel's bridle, but it turned to bite him, causing the big, bad cop to squeal like a girl and run away. The drunk handlers managed to catch that one after a brief, but amusing, foot pursuit.

The remaining miscreant was a bit calmer and was still chowing down on Mexican Heather (which was not intoxicated, being a plant). Seemed nice enough. I'll rub the camel's nose, I thought, and will try to do so without being bitten by a mangy camel. What happened next will live in HPD lore forever more. I don't know if my hand soap is allergenic or if I pushed the right button, but the bastard sneezed a huge camel booger that landed on my left bicep. I squealed like a girl and flapped my arm like I had...well...a camel booger on it.

For those who have not seen a camel booger, they are a bit larger than the nose gold you people mine during your morning commute or in church during a boring sermon. This thing -- had it been expelled at altitude -- might very well be capable of bringing down an airplane. It actually stung when it hit me and took several frantic flicks before I dislodged it from my arm hairs. It looked like a gooey, squished tarantula.

Unfortunately for me, camels don't appreciate sudden, shrill screaming in close proximity to their camel selves. When I squealed, it barked like a dog. I kid you not, the camel actually barked. Drunk handlers grabbed Booger Bazooka the Wonder Camel and penned him up, but not before every cop and wrecker driver in the area witnessed me come within an iota of being the first police officer ever to Taser™ a freaking camel.

Here is a pic of the offending beast....

((( sorry, but that photo has been lost in the last year and a half. rest assured, it looked like a camel - bugdog)))


Now do you see the lengths I will go to for your safety? I hope you people are entertained at my expense. I'm going to wash my arm.